Friday, September 30, 2005

Repeat after me

I read on a fellow blogger's site a post that was written about her kids and things they say and mispronounce. It made me recall something that Mina said once. (please, I should have been writing these down long ago, there are so many) I mean between the two I can see I will be arming them with pocket Websters. I'll tell you those nuts didn't roll far from that bush.

I am not a teacher and I will NEVER be a teacher. I hope my kids do well in the school system that is here because there is NOWAY I would home school. They will either tough it out or it could be possible to have them be drop-outs by time they are 8 and 6. My patients when it comes to that is nonexistent. Doing their little home work assignments is enough to make me start measuring the length of rope I will need as to NOT hit the floor, but I digress.

I thought that it would be a great idea to start teaching the kids the Lord's prayer. I learned it when I was young, although I have no recollection of the event. It seems that that is just something that everyone knows for one reason or another and I thought my kids should know it too. I decided that each night at bedtime I would have them begin saying it. I carefully explained to them that I would say a part, then they were to repeat what I said. They understood and it seemed as though it would be easy enough.

First night lesson one. We are all sitting in the bed, me in the middle with Michael on one side and Mina on the other. "Ok, are you ready?" I asked them. Oh yes they were ready so I begin. "Our Father who art in heaven........" and they repeated. Things were moving right along, a nice steady pace and the clarity, amazing. Then it happen. The part that caused the class to come screeching to a halt. If you recall in that prayer there is a part that says "...and deliver us from evil" I say it slowly and what I thought was clearly and wait from them to repeat. When they do I hear Mina say "....and deliver us from Nemo!" THAT'S IT! Class dismissed! I laughed and laughed and LAUGHED! I couldn't go any further. The serious moment had past and there was no recapturing it, gone. Neither one of them had any idea what was so funny and I just couldn't get it together enough to explain.

I have yet to dabble back in that pool of learning but I will return one day soon. In all fairness to my little student, Nemo was at the time the main attraction in the house so I could see her confusion.

Now I ask you, does this fella look like we need delivering from? I mean just look at that face. I guess really it depends on how many times it's been run through the VCR!

"It's like he's trying to speak to me, I know it."


Thursday, September 29, 2005

The tale of the fairy princess

From the time we are old enough to understand as little girls we are read and told stories about the beautiful Princess'. The ones that are swept away by the oh so handsome Prince. How they are cherished and loved, cared for and the men would gladly give his life for the fair maiden. The princess' are all lovely, thin with long flowing hair and clothes that were hand tailored just for them. The kind sir would eventually wed this pure lovely and he would care for her all the days of her life. Doing so in a fine castle that was fully staffed to provide for her every need.

Well, you know what? It's a lie, a big fat freakin' LIE! Kiss a frog and it turns into the man of your dreams. Come ON!! I, like I'm sure many of you, have kissed my share of frogs. Not only did they NOT turn into a handsome Prince the majority of them where actually morons. (maybe it was just my poor selection in frogs) However, I truly love my prince with all that I am but the fact remains, he is a guy and therefore a FROG!

So now being all so enlightened, I think I may started reading this story to my little Mina girl...
Once upon a time,
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat,
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever
feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on lightly saut'eed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't think so.

On second thought, my sweet Mina is such a girlie girl, so taken by the Princess and all her beauty. To steal her joy or taint her innocent imagination just doesn't seem right. So for now, I will continue on with the fairy princess stories has we know them. For I do believe it won't be long before she discovers that boys really are frogs.

"Times fun when you are having flies"
-Kermit the Frog

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

This little piggy went to market....

...and this little piggy stayed home. My husband made the big announcement Sunday after church that he would be going to the supermarket to pick up a couple things. I'm thinking "great, go ahead, knock yourself out." Mina came home not feeling to well and immediately after changing her clothes feel asleep. Needless to say I wasn't going, really I wasn't going anyway.

He grabs Michael and they are off. Just has he was leaving he asked if there was anything I needed. I told him not anything that I couldn't live without, just get the necessities. OK, two things, first he left the house without and list and second I've learned that his necessities are much different than mine. (I truly don't know how single men survive!)

Yes I just had to picture IT!

Lets see, there is cake, a few of the cans of soup which there was at least 62. What else? Ah yes, Pop tarts, several jars of condiments, yes a pair of slippers and of course the ever need DEER SCENT!! (the small bottles in front) My Lord am I glad I do the shopping.

While Mrs. Doubtfire was out shopping I did a couple things around here and yes one of those things was watch a little football. Mina woke feeling better so we had a bite for lunch, then I realized that they have been gone for sometime, where did they go? Just then the phone rang, it was honey calling to tell me to open the door. (who the heck do I get to call to open the door when I shop? Incredible!!) As he begins to unload the truck with a ridiculous amount of bags I wonder, WTH?? Then I see it, the bags say WalMart. Oh my word, he has been to super WalMart without a list, a blank check and he was hungry. I break out in a cold sweat quickly calculating exactly what was in the checkbook, lol. The kitchen was all a buzz almost like we were planning a party as we unpacked the bags. I am now examining the purchases and wonder were are the necessities ? The bread, milk, lunch things for the kids, napkins the staples? The things that help us survive, to maintain our existence? I could no longer help myself, I asked him "honey, WHAT did you buy?" He rambles on with excitement all the things he bought. I'm like "THESE are necessities?" Trying to defend his purchases I hold up my hand and told him that it was fine. As long as he got what he wanted there was absolutely no explanation needed. I mean he is just as free to shop for things as I am, however I'm glad he does not shop for the survival of the family, lol!

The only thing I got out of that trip was that I didn't have to accompany him, I HATE that place.

"Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"

- Anne Tyler

Tuesday, September 27, 2005


NO! Not my honey he has me, remember. I talking about my Bissell dual edged cleaning, maximum 12amp powered, 7 height adjustable, wide path vacuum cleaner, the ultimate sucking machine. This amazing piece of cleaning equipment came highly recommended from the guru of house keeping himself, my husband. For those of you who have not had the esteemed pleasure of meeting the greatest husband in the world, the one who knows virtually everything there is to know about EVERYTHING, you'll have to use your imagination. (how did I ever get so lucky?) I must say though you are truly missing the impact of the wisdom that was bestowed on me that afternoon on aisle 6 of WalMart. (PLEASE!) The only thing I asked him was when the freak was the last time he invited the vacuum to dance? I'd really like to know what makes him such the expert!! Well, I think we all know the answer to that, he can pee standing UP!

I have never gone bagless before and really I could care less. As long as when I plug it in it sucks, I'm happy. After his big to do sermon I said "fine, get it." I just didn't have the heart to tell him anything else.

Isn't she a beauty?

I'm not sure I was prepared for such an experience. Since I've only had the bagged versions of these things and NEVER, ever was one to go through the bag looking for something, it was quite a surprise. I mean, if it found it's way into the bag it's gone. It may as well have gotten suck off the face of the earth because it will never be seen again. With this contraption you see every single thing that gets sucked in and you actually have to empty the container, it's not SO bad. However, it does raise a question. Where in the world does all that crap come from? I'm far from anal about my house but I am a very regular house keeper and cleanliness is important to me. I'm hear to tell you that you would never know it by looking at the bagless. Mr. B. and I are great friends too, we dance very regularly, so I don't understand and we don't have any indoor pets. (of the four legged variety anyway) Yet every time I empty the thing it looks like the world's biggest hair ball and the dust. The dust is so fine that if it were white I believe people may even try snorting it up their nose. So again, WHERE does it comes from and WHY is there so much of it. One waltz around the house and I'm emptying it out. I don't get it, I just don't.

Nasty, huh?

So, if you are ever trying to convince someone that you are an efficient house keeper I recommend that the bagless be nowhere in sight.

"Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off."

-Ralph Bus

Monday, September 26, 2005

Friday night lights, OUT!

Yay, it's Friday night and we get to stay up later than on school nights. What fun. Remember what a treat it was to be able to stay up later? Well, it hasn't changed, now my kids love it.

Friday nights could be made up of a couple things. Movie night is one. This consists of getting piled up in Mommy and Daddy's bed with popcorn and their selection of flick. It could also be just sitting Daddy's chair and watching a little animal channel. Also on occasion we're out. After the announcement was made that they were not required to go to bed shortly after story time, it was pandemonium. They could make up their minds what the wanted to do. The routine was the same. Wash up, brush teeth, in their jammies but then it was into Daddy's chair. (the decision was made)

My being the extremely conscientious Mother I am, I ask who was tired and ready for bed? (yeah, right!) The response was a collective "not me Mommy, I'm not tired." Great lets see what is on the animal channel this evening for our viewing pleasure.

(I'm NOT tired!)

Nothing for the girl on the left. As for the gentleman on the right he wasn't far behind, fifteen minutes, MAYBE! So their late night was fun, too bad it actually ended before it began. This picture was taken at! So much for not being tired.

"t's a cruel season that makes you get ready for bed while it's light out. "


Sunday, September 25, 2005

Sunday Funnies

Saturday, September 24, 2005

I'm NOT your Mommy!

How I longed to hear that name and hear it directed at me. To have a tiny faced little one looking up at me and calling me Mommy, there would be nothing better. From the moment I discovered that I soon would be delivering this little one the only thing I could hear in my head was Mommy.

Holy freakin' moly! Could someone please tell me what the flock I was thinking? I mean really, there had to be something else going through my head besides THAT. This sweet blissful fantasy, were was it and still I ask where IS it? (it's not coming is it?) I mean if I don't hear Mommy a couple two, three hundred times a day the word isn't uttered once. Mommy this, Mommy that, Mommy Michael won't, Mommy Tyler did, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy! I swear there are times I want to pierce my very own ear drums, just drives three inch nails right into the sides of my head. Then honey comes home and it's babe would you, honey come here, baby I need. NOW along with the nails that are still hanging out of my head I want to go screaming through the street like I'm on fire. These wonderful terms of endearment turn into nothing but horrific echoes in my head like those that would resound in a vacant warehouse. It's amazing how things change when you finally wake up, lol.

When the kids where barely out of toddler status they would walk along with me in the supermarket. As I shopped they would be at my heels, talking and touching everything all the while calling Mommy. On this particular day Michael was with me. He called for my attention and when he did I just looked at him and said "I'm not your Mommy little boy." Mommy," he would say again. "I don't know who you are but I'm not your Mommy." All the while walking a little further away from him. By this time he is about to come unglued and runs to me and I walk a little faster. Finally I stopped and picked him up and when I did he would burst into laughter, like he suddenly knew it was a joke. Although during those few minutes he wasn't really sure, lol! You can only imagine the looks I got in the store that day. I suppose you could look at it as being a little mean but man oh man was it funny.

I have recently tried doing that again with Michael, sadly it's not near as much fun. Now he tells me " come on Mommy" grabs the cart himself and goes on, almost like he doesn't now me, lol!

These days are far and few between but when I feel them coming on I make honey lock up all the hardware.

"You know children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers."

-John J. Plomp

Friday, September 23, 2005


Yes, you heard me correctly. Plato. Now I know as well as anyone that I'm not even close to worthy of having his name leave my lips.

The son of wealthy and influential Athenian parents. The man who traveled to Egypt and Italy to study with students of Pythagoras. Finally the philosopher that returned to Athens and established his own school of philosophy at the academy. For students enrolled there, Plato tried both to pass on the heritage of a Socraic style of thinking and to guide their progress through the mathematical learning to the achievement of abstract philosophical truth...whew! (yeah, whatever!)


(handsome devil)

Heck NO I didn't know that, I looked it up. (the internet baby, the internet!) I have no knowledge of him or his kind, I'm simple. Oh sure I suppose on occasion I'm capable of an in depth conversation. When it's regarding a subject I feel passionate about and usually only with some people. I will not be spotted regularly in the deep end, I much prefer the mental kiddy pool. I guess what I'm trying to say is in order to get inside my head you are not going to have to strap on any scuba tanks, you following me?

Today on the way home from school I thought I'd get Mina the ever nutritious Happy Meal. Naturally, the thing she was must concerned with was the prize and who wouldn't be they are always so marvelous. Now home with lunch done my participation was requested to play house with her and her little friends. Of course I oblige the queen of everything and get down on the floor to play, I got to be Daddy. She was Mommy AND baby but that goes without saying. Suddenly it occurred to her, the Happy Meal prize, where was it? Mommy, she says "we have to, HAVE TO find it. It could be our pet, it's Plato!" Oh, have mercy. I said "it's Plato, huh? Lets see." Sure enough I tear open the little plastic bag and there he was, our pet, Pluto.


(much cuter!)

Now this is more like it, someone/thing I can identify with and understand. I tried explaining to my angel faced girl that his name was Pluto not Plato. She got it once and then it was back to being the great philosopher.

The thing I find so funny is that I have NEVER studied him, knew about him, discussed him or even once thought about him. Yet in the last week he has been discussed once with a girlfriend and mentioned twice, one time by the same girlfriend and the other my daughter. Hm, you think it could be a SIGN?!?!

"How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?"


Man, you see why I stay in the kiddy pool?

Happy Birthday Swee, love you!

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Things that are NOT illegal but should be...

Laws, rules, boundaries. They are every where and we all have to obey them, follow them and work within them. Even when it's unpleasant or we don't understand, they are there, in place and we are expected to comply. How issues become laws I have no idea. Not only did I sleep in Psychology class I apparently sacked out in American Government class too.

It's a very good thing however that I am not in a position to make or changes laws. I feel quite certain that there would be some changes made and made quickly!

Here are just a few things that would be presented ASAP...

It should be illegal to:

- not have email. It's 2005 people and technology is and has been on the rise, lets get with it.
- grill a steak until it could sole a shoe. THAT is just a crime.
- be a telemarketer. You are just aggravating pains in the asses and NOBODY wants what you are selling.
- not say I love you at least three times a day. You never know when you will have another chance.
- have men wear spandex or speedos. I have no interest in seeing a perfect strangers package. Now, if I know them, well that's a different story, lol!
- not have a cell phone. I want to talk to you and I want to talk to you NOW!
- give birth without medication. No medication equals counseling if you ask me.
- send junk mail. Needless killing of trees. Forget recycling just stop the junk mail, that in it's self would save our forests.
- not say please, thank you and bless you. It's just rude!
- go braless. If the girls are not standing in full salute 24/7 they need to be harnessed.
- wear a bad toupee. Actually to wear a toupee period. YOU'RE bald, deal with it.
- have an ant farm. That is just self explanatory.
- wear socks with flip flops. I mean please. Besides looking utterly ridiculous it has GOT to be the most uncomfortable thing EVER.
- not read to your kids, daily. 15 minutes guys that should be the minimum, it's easy.
- marry before you are 25 years old. You should know yourself by then.
- pick your nose in public. Yes, your car is still "in public" because we SEE YOU!
- call someone's house before 9a on the weekend. It's sleep in time folks.
- have a guy have his butt crack hangin' out. Unless of course he is advertising that he has a free bicycle parking spot, no lock required.
- use all the hot water in a shower and NOT say so. The only time I want to be taking a cold shower is when honey is out of town.
- not have the bikini line waxed, plucked or shaved. It is completely unacceptable to have to witness the wilds of someone else's untamed jungle. Blahhhh!

I feel very compelled to share my very first personal experience with spandex. I don't know why, I just do. After my initial encounter with honey that warm August evening back in 1990 in the local bar tucked in the woods (hm, Mom you DID know I met him in a bar didn't you? Well you do now!!) he asked me for an official date. It was to be a day at the lake on his bass boat for some sun and fun. I agreed to go ONLY if I could bring my friend. I mean far be it for me to venture out in a boat on a large body of water with a guy that I met two nights ago in a less then sober state. Granted he was a fabulous kisser still I couldn't risk it. We meet at the designated place, me with my friend and him with his. I must say my girlfriend Salena was terribly disappointed. He gets out of the truck and there he is, my good God almighty in his SPANDEX! I thought I would just die. I remember telling Salena, "what the hell is he thinking?" OK, we were going to the lake but for crap sake wear a pair of wind-jammers or something. I said right then and there "this is our first and LAST date." Needless to say he won me over with his quick wit, incredible charm and yes his kissing ability. However, he was instructed to never NOT ever wear those horrific black, stretchable, shiny things again. A couple of years later I came across them tucked in a drawer and remembered the day, lol! I have long since burned them at the stake and stood there shaking my head and wondering why, why WHY?!

"Even when laws have been written down, they ought now always remain unaltered."

- Aristotle

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Don't point, it's not polite

Well of course we know that but exactly how clear is it to a four year old little girl who observes everything and tells just as much. This past weekend the kids and I were at some friends place of business visiting, chatting, shopping all the important things. As people milled around looking, I sat back with Lynn to solved all the worlds problems when up walks this woman. With her alone, there was really nothing wrong, it was her selection of attire she was donning that I was having trouble with. I was thinking "what make people wear things that are at least two sizes too SMALL" I mean are there not mirrors in theirs homes? Do they not look before leaving and if they do, WHAT is it that they see? I' m certain that parts of her body were slowly loosing circulation, they had to be. Just then Lynn actually voices my thoughts and to make matters worse Mina began pointing at the very same woman, lol! Quickly I scoop Mina into my arms and whisper to her not to point because it isn't polite. Lynn has her face buried in her hands saying "Oh my, we must teach her to talk about people without being detected." Mina so innocently wanted to tell me that this lovely young woman looked like a girl that attends church with us. Without pointing she begins to describe the woman she is looking at and who she looks like. It was a very difficult task. Her arms were everywhere trying not to point and say "See, her right there with the brown thing on and that black strap." Poor girl, it was torture.

It is up to us more experienced women to pass along the ins and outs of public criticisms. Teaching our younger generation of girls how to observe, comment, (even if critical) and make verbal corrections of our subjects in one smooth sequences of moves. Smiling all the while of course.

It could be devastating should it be left to the men. Later that evening honey the kids and myself were out and on the spur of the moment decided to stop in at one of the local fast food dives for a bite. While dining on our feast of grease wrapped in tortillas that were disguised to be healthy with a pile of lettuce and tomatoes Mina's radar goes off. Up flies the finger in the direction of a women that again reminded her of someone. (I personally didn't see the resemblance this time) With a quick look in her direction she puts her finger down and trys to describe the woman once again.

Have no fear, the expert has stepped in....DADDY! Oh man here we go. The king of subtlety and smooth moves has spoken so everyone listen up. He begins by telling Michael and Mina that it's not polite to point, I agreed. He then tells them that if they want to point someone out they should use a quick tip or nod of their head and their eyes in the direction they want us to look. OK, I agree with that too BUT they are six and four! Michael says like this, as he begins swinging his head so violently I thought he'd hurt himself. Daddy, tells him "yeah, like that!" Being proud that he did "it" right he tells Mina that she has to point with her head. Her response was "na UH!" I totally agreed with Mina, Na UH! I said "yes Michael, point with your head NOT flail around like you are having some sort a seizure that causes your eyes to roll back in your head" They will be looking at YOU if your not careful.

Mina's biggest concern was "Mommy what if you miss it?' I told her that it would be ok that sometimes I'll miss the things that she sees. Not at all happy with that answer I can see it won't be long before she has the sequence of moves perfected and ready for use. Poor Michael, we may have to just allow him to point.

"Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were."

-Author Unknown

Tuesday, September 20, 2005


Oh the misery! The sheer and utter agony of trying to keep your eyes open in class when the only thing you can think of is how heavy your lids are. Never mind that the teacher is spewing all this "need to know" information about the incredibly important test that he will be giving in the next couple of days. This test will also reflect greatly on your grade for the year. CRAP, was he talking about the final exam?

Mom and Dad, so my head wasn't in the books, at least it was on them, I was close!

(perfect senior behavior!)

Yes, that would be me with my head resting ever so peacefully on my stack of books that just happen to be the perfect height. I was in Mr. Davis' Psychology class and apparently knew all I needed to for the day. The student in front of me appears as though she was the target of a tranquilizer dart and is barely hanging on. If I recall correctly by the time the bell rang she too was drooling on the desk. Apparently the dart that tagged me took effect immediately or I was smart enough to not fight it and just lay it down. I mean he was just talking about our final grade for crying out loud. To think that was one of my favorite classes. How the H@!* did I ever get out of high school?!

The pride that must be swelling in my parents....LOL!

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools."

~Author Unknown

Monday, September 19, 2005

My hidden passenger

You would think with gas prices the way they are some of the running might have slowed down. That was a very wrong assumption on my part. Still it's go, go, go and wait, oh yeah GO! Buzzin' around town it is almost a sure thing (I'd bet in Vegas on it) that one of the two is going to be screaming "I have to peeeee." Yes, it could be worse and it has been but lets deal with one body function at a time.

Since the potty training of Michael I've discovered that when the first request is made to go to the bathroom there really isn't any margin left for a second. I better move and it better be fast. I thought "um, why all the running and rushing around?" I rummage through the truck and find a little McDonald's cup under the seat. (thank goodness it's not a kid free zone) I stand Michael up at the door very inconspicuously with me in front of him and have him go in the cup. For him it's been easy. With his little twig (don't tell Daddy I said it was little but he is only six so it's all relative) he is able to use an assortment of containers, soda bottles, gatorade jugs, cups, cartons anything that can hold liquid. However a top is strongly recommended.

Mina is out of diapers and is a completely different story. The margin for a second request is STILL not there but now there is no twig. So I going screaming into Target, Wal-Mart, the super market and gas stations telling her "hold it we are almost there." I burst into the restroom, fly into the stall and plop her down (only after a quick examination of it's cleanliness) to hear only the amount that may have filled a thimble. Oh my word this has got to stop. I'm sure though for someone who has the bladder the size of a peanut there was pressure and it felt emergent, better safe than sorry. I discover the party cup with it's thick plastic engineering and wide mouth it was perfect. I has been tricky as times but hey we Mother's are the best magicians.

My girlfriend Salena has heard about and I think has even been witness to one of these episodes and tells me "oh, I have something for you."


She told me that on her next visit through she would bring it and THIS is what she brought. I may not look like much but I was so thrilled to get you don't even know. That little gem my friends IS my hidden passanger, I go nowhere without it. Just this past Monday I had to meet my insurance guy out and we decided that Sonic (that drive in fast food place) would be the best place to meet. I'm thinking "sure, take care of some things, get Mina a slushy, great." I pull in and park right in front of him, get out of my car and get in his. I swear I felt like I was in a drug deal that was about to go down. Mina was in our car listening to the radio and reading a book. (not to fear our cars were bumper to bumper so she was NOT unattended and the a/c was blasting) I'm watching as my car door opens and out pop's Mina standing there like she had a birthdefect that only allowed her legs to seperate to the knees. That's right she has got to pee, man oh man!! I get out and ask her if she can wait and already knowing the answer before she answers I start looking for my hidden friend. My vehicle is a Suburban with very dark windows so there was ample room and cover for her need. I assemble the funnel and tell her to HURRY! I screw the top on, get a squirt of hand sanitizer, buckle her back in and go back to the task at hand. My agents asks if everything was alright and I said "yeah, sure it was nothing." We finished up our business, got Mina a slushy and headed for home.

Just another eventful jaunt!

Now, all these episodes take place only when there is no public facility or it is so close that the kid just isn't going to make it. Also, all deposits are made to the appropriate recepticals.

"Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance."

- King George V

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Sunday Funnies

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother."Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.

"Yes, It's because your blonde.

"The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"

"Very good," said her mother."Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother."Is it because I'm Blonde, Mommy?"

"No Honey, Its because you're 24."

I recieved this from my cousin whom I love dearly AND is blonde. My sister is blonde as well as my daughter so please do NOT take offense, I just thought is was funny!

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Powder - Puff vs. Varsity

That's right weekends are made for football. Well, this house not so much, ugh! Honey is very un-American when it comes to that, I mean to NOT like football is just plain ludicrous. As far as I'm concerned it's as bad as fleeing to Canada during the draft, I LOVE football! I would have season tickets every year for sure, but since that will NEVER happen I would at this point settle for watching it on tv. However, because honey is the "Grand Master" of the remote control I am in the wind there too. Yeah, we have more then one tube in this joint but who wants to sit at the kitchen table or be locked away in the bedroom all night. (hm, I may want to rethink that!!)

So because my pro ball watching is so very limited I'll just have to settle for this...

Red 42, red 42, set - HIKE!

Oh man, now what?

Mina it's a ball not a bomb!

See, right between those bushes

SCORE, that's 6 for Powder-Puff!!

So, there isn't much room for a football pool, right? I must say though it is a lot more entertaining and I even get to be the ref!

"You get the best out of others when you give the best of yourself."

-Harry Firestone

Friday, September 16, 2005

What I want to know is WHY?

From the very first moment we are able to reason I believe the most frequently asked question is, why? For such a small word it demands great explanation at times. However, I do recall as a child the reason I got more often than not was "because I said so." Me being the dutiful daughter that I am I have courageously carried the torch and now THAT is what my kids hear. Well, that and "because I'm the Mommy." That goes for Daddy!

Now being middle age (yikes could it be?) I'm still asking why for so many things. I find myself in an almost constant quandary of why? "Why would they do this?" "Why is that not done?" "Why are we this or that?" It's never ending. Today I decided to write down some of the why's that go fleeting through my head. So here are some of the things that I want to know, WHY?

Why is it that......

- there is a non-smoking and smoking section, the non-smokers still get the smoke?
- we cry when we're happy?
- our children are the only people we can truly love unconditionally?
- someone needs you the second you sit down?
- men reach their peak at 16 and women at 35 plus. God help me I'm 40 and plugged in!!
- no matter how big the house is people always gather in the kitchen?
- you're always caught at the rail road crossing when you are running late?
- you are never called on when you know the answer and ALWAYS when you don't?
- the sky is blue?
- men are addicted to the remote?
- they make it so the cork can't fit back in?
- they don't realize they needed soap before getting into the shower?
- men slip immediately into a coma after sex and women want to get up and make cookies?
- pretending as a child is considered great imagination but as an adult you are ready for the nut house?
- there are "slim-fit" tampons even manufactured?
- kissing passionately is considered to be more personal then the actual act of sex?
- there is always "stuff" in the silverware tray? Are these utensils NOT clean before going in?
- some animals of the wild mate for life and we can't?
- sleeping hours past so much more quickly than say, working hours?
- we can hear our kids whimper in the night from a dream and not hear a thunderstorm?
- Salmon have to die after they spawn? Glad I'm not a salmon.
- we extend ourselves to strangers and not the people we love?
- the more we know the less we trust?
- women think sex equals love?

The one thing that I really want to know is ...

Why, oh WHY do people store extra toilet paper in places that can NOT be reached from the bowl???

"I am one of the people who love the why of things."

-Catherine II

Thursday, September 15, 2005

As a secretary I suck!

Receipts, bank statements, tax forms, school stuff you name it and we get it (I could have a lovely poplar tree for the front yard if I put all the papers together that I get each week, it's insane the junk) and of course it all needs to be filed. This is where the trouble begins. It's not as if I don't have a perfectly wonderful work space and desk with a filing cabinet that has ample room. Yet everything still gets stacked on top. Why is that I wonder? (lazy maybe?) Exactly how much easier can it be to stack the stuff on the desk than it would be to just file it where it belongs in the first place? I mean the lousy cabinet is only 6 inches from where the monument of paper is laying. Go Figure! To think that I work in the accounting department of a large company at one time, in accounts payable no less. Scary, huh?

That is not where it stops, it gets better.

Yes, that is in fact the visor of my car. I know the picture alone is enough but come on, be honest I know I am not by myself in this.

My Honey!

He actually is what makes it better. The fact that my visor even looks that way drives him to the very end of his wits along with an extremely large cliff at times. He can't stand it. He thinks my vehicle is like a garbage truck to begin with and naturally I have to argue. (Mom and Salena, quiet because I can heeeaaar you) No, it's not a Land Rover and it's not kept like one, it's also not a "kid free zone" - Period! There is the occasional McDonald's cup, candy wrappers of sorts and even heaven forbid a fry that lost it's way. However, it's definitely not the worst I've had or have seen.

When Mr. Man gets behind the wheel of my car it's always a treat. We are tooling down the road with the radio cranked, talking and the kids in back laughing and carrying on. A very normal outing for us. Then it happens. Oh my, my all the crap that is in the visor vibrates out and lands in his lap. NOW the fun really begins, lol! He starts ranting and raving about how I never put things where they belong. (he has NO room to be opening his mouth) That I just leave important papers in the car for everyone to see. (No, they are strewn all over the desk in the house for everyone to see)

My defense is that first of all it is NOT important stuff. Lets take a look....I see an old phone clip with a dollar behind it, a Sunday school lesson book, my son's car rider number along with Mina's car rider card, a dance certificate, my cell phone, a picture of Michael and me, a voter registration renewal card, (not filled out) some of Mina's art work and a radar detector. (which I need) See, nothing important. Secondly, it's my car and my special filing system, I know right where things are.

After he finishes swerving all over the road trying to cram all the crap back in the visor and whispering sweet nothings under his breath I promise to clean it out upon our arrival home. I do so only so it has the ability to reach the status of chaos once again. As of this day we are only one maybe two trips out of reaching it's usual.

"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."

- Erma Bombeck

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Where's my freakin' cup?

Ugh! So I try to do the right thing. One morning a couple of weeks ago I took the time to find out if the crossing guard chick drank coffee. (took the time, I rolled down the window and asked) Now I just had to remember to bring the stuff.

This particular morning it dawns on me and I tossed a little extra in the coffee maker, unfortunately I don't pass a coffee house on the way to school. She was just going to have to settle for plain old Maxwell House with a shot of 2% and a dash of Splenda. I'm sure she would have much rather had a mocha-jocha something with white chocolate, whipped cream and a dusting of cocoa powder. That wasn't happening but I digress.

Honey noticed the extra cup and just had to know. I explained what I was doing and he shakes his head in a manner of "oh brother." He said "you really think the babe is going to drink that coffee?" I was like "why YEAH!" He goes on further to say "I'm telling you that as soon as you get out of sight she is going to pour it in the street." Sure, I find out first if she drinks coffee so I could what, poison her? I can see the evening news and it's top story. "Local woman whacks school crossing guard with what we believe to have been tainted coffee." Please! So not only is my husband a hard worker and great provider he is also a paranoid freak of nature. I personally would drink it but he would just as soon dry up and die of dehydration before drinking anything out of an act of kindness.

I pour the steaming beverage into MY own personalized (personalized being the key word here) travel cup from none other than Starbucks. I'm thinking "it big, spill proof and easy for her to use for the morning." As I approached the school entrance I slow down and hand her the coffee. She takes it with a big smile, thanks me and we both go on with our mornings.

Not my cup but a fine example!

This was just about two weeks ago and it is NOW Tuesday. Perhaps she did pour it out. You know what? I could care less. What I do care about is my freakin' cup . I mean it's not Christmas so no need for a gift, it's only the first month of school, crap...I don't even know her name. What would make her think I was giving it to her? Did she not have time to wash it yet? Was it sitting on her kitchen counter and she just keeps forgetting to bring it? Every morning AND afternoon she smiles and waves like I'm her best friend....ugh! (I already have one of those, what I don't have is a travel coffee cup) What I really want to do is stop and ask her for it but I just can't bring myself to do it.

If she does not produce my cup the only thing I can say is this. She had better be providing me with some serious traffic privileges. I don't want to be waiting in any lines for the entire school year and I don't care if there is a Presidential Motorcade coming through....LOL!

My girlfriend said it sounds like an episode of Seinfeld and I think I agree. :):)

"Coffee: creative lighter fluid. "

-Floyd Maxwell (1957-)

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

In case of an emergency

The crisis is New Orleans has caused donation requests to go sky rocketing and my son's school is no different. Every classroom has a donation receptacle of some kind, be it a cup, bucket, box, cubby hole anything that is able to hold the daily givings of the kids.

Every other day or so I make sure Michael has something to put in his classes little cup. One day last week I decided that it may be a good idea to put three or four dollars in the kids back packs just so they would have it if they needed it. I even mentioned it to a girlfriend and told her that if her daughter need money for anything (lunch, etc.) and didn't have it to ask Michael. I tucked the money in a inside pocket of his back pack and told him that it was there in case of an emergency. He came home Friday and as usual I'm ripping through his pack to see what he did all week. I reached up in the pocket to see if the money was still there and it was NOT. I asked Michael were it went and he said "I put it in the cup Mommy." I said "you did?" "Yes, that hurricane, that is an emergency!" I agreed and yes it made me very proud!

"No one has ever become poor by giving."

-Anne Frank

Monday, September 12, 2005

Oh Carlo, take me away....

....and hurry! After running the entire week with the kids, spending all day Saturday again running with honey AND the kids, yard work and non-stop on Sunday, I'm ready, I mean READY! Although I no longer really consider myself a drinker there are times when I long for the warm, sweet (not too sweet) embrace of Mr. Carlo Rossi.

Ah, my dear friend. How patiently you wait for these times to come around. Finally, the kids are asleep dreaming sweet dreams, honey is also in la-la land and the house is silent. After a long relaxing shower I put on my favorite gray t-shirt with its big pink felt pig and a pair of boxer shorts. (my version of Victoria's Secret) I tip toe into the kitchen as to NOT disturb anyone and find my dusty friend in the cabinet. I dig out a glass (a real wine glass) and in ceremonious fashion pour a splash of this lovely color of Burgundy. It's look and smell was divine

It seemed a shame to be in the house so I took my glass and headed for the porch. I sat there in a rocking chair enjoying the sounds of the night, with a quiet breeze of late summer. I was amazing to be there alone, just me and my glass of wine. As I sipped my glass I felt warm and relaxed almost able to melt right there, nothing left just a puddle of me. My mind visited places that it hasn't been in a while and although some where sad I completely enjoyed my time there. I'm coming to realize that moments of solitude with it's laughter and tears are very necessary for good mental health.

Beth this one is for you!!

"The wines that one best remembers are not necessarily the finest that one has ever tasted, and the highest quality may fail to delight so much as some far more humble beverage drunk in more favorable surroundings."

-H. Warner Allen

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Sunday Funnies

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy came to them, and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

Saturday, September 10, 2005

The place NOT to be!

Last night I along with my kids attended a Home Coming football game at one of the local high schools. No, I am not that much of a die-hard football fan that I just scope out balls game and go for no reason. My girlfriend has a daughter that is a student there, a senior this year and is in the band. So, periodically we go, the kids love it and I spend most of my time there in a mental state of 1982-83!

Michael actually DOES watch some of the game along with playing with his buddy on the bleachers, this making all the surrounding fans overwhelmingly happy. I'm thinking "to bad the boys are six, it's NOT the Superbowl and who really cares?" Mina however is a completely different story. She is totally taken with the cheerleaders, the band and ALL the girls that mill around at a high school football game. Man oh man! If I could see inside her head I'm sure I would become so dizzy watching her brain whirl around I'd probably puke.

The low slung jeans with big belts, cropped shirt that are worn in conjunction with the jeans so the naval ring can be prominently displayed along with the strategically placed tattoo. Jeans that look like they were caught in the line of fire and 2 to 4 inches too long. I suppose I should be grateful, they are saving some of my tax dollars by sweeping the streets with the cuffs of their pants......ugh! Insanely applied make-up and jewelry that says they spend entirely too much time in the arcades. Do you see why I would puke if I had the ability to look inside my daughters head? She was taking it all in and loving every minute of it.

A 4 year old girl who somehow has gained more fashion sense then is needed to a high school football game is really NOT the place to! She was full of questions and wanted to know "why" everything. The biggest question was "Mommy, when I get big can I wear things like THAT?" I laughed, gave her a big squeeze and told her "We'll see!"

I clearly remember my time in school and realize that these kids are not unlike I was. For the most part I believe the majority of them are fine people and their style of dress by no means dictates who they truly are. I just have a different point of view now that I'm a parent of two, I know my turn is coming. But then again my parents survived my time, these parents will survive their time and I too will survive mine!

Friday, September 09, 2005

Poor Daddy, he misses everything...

I'm fully aware that I do not hold the all time coveted position, a "Stay at home Mom." Things are much different than they used to be, more equal I guess. Home responsibilities are shared more, the income of the average household today is dual (more so than in days past) hauling kids to their sporting events, practices and riding along on field trips are up for grabs. Who ever is free at the moment gets the privilege of going or has the dreaded task, depending on how you look at it.

In my house things are very traditional, very much a choice that was made. It occurred to me today as I sat in the gymnasium of my son's school among a sea of children, what a great job I have. Exactly how fortunate I am that "I" get to attend special events at school, how "I" am able to go on every field trip, participate in every school or birthday party, dance practice, ball game, just be part of the everyday of my children's lives. It is unimaginable for me to think of having the rolls reversed. For me to go every day out into the world and miss so much of my kids lives and activities. For me to kiss them good bye every morning and expect NOT to see them until at least 6p that evening, incomprehensible. Yet, Daddy does that very thing every single day. Everyday he is out there working for our family making it impossible to do or see what I see, even a little bit. Sure there are things he does get to attend and participate in but they are few and far between.

Honey hard at work!!

So again, I know I may sound a bit on the "Leave it to Beaver" side, so be it. I'm very happy doing what I am and I'm thankful for my hard working husband who makes it possible.

Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success.

-Henry Ford

Thursday, September 08, 2005

My volunteer and me

School is in session! For the past week or so I have been spending lots of time in my son's school library. This year it being the first year it has seen students there are a lot of things that are unfinished. I've offered my time anytime but explained that I have a four year old that will be accompanying me should me services be requested. There was no problem with that at all, they were happy to have us both.

Books, books and more books! We stamped, moved, shelved, labeled, you name it and we did it, Mina and me. I'm convinced that Mina is four going on nine or even ten. While there I was informed on how kids should look at books on the shelves, how they are to return them and check them out. Well, I over hear my little librarian explaining to a student how exactly they are to remove books from the shelf and bring them for check out. The student does as she instructed and happily leaves the!

Several hours pass and there is a request made to use the restroom. Just because she has proven her amazing ability to navigate and handle herself I allow her to go, ALONE. (on her request) Off she scampers but is careful not to run considering I have gone over and over and over that with her. I continue on with my mission of the moment, oh and did I mention that it involved books? I realize that ample time has lapsed for Mina to have gone to the restroom, wash her hands, brush her teeth even get a facial (cucumbers and all), hm? I wander down the hall and what do I see? There she is, standing at the bathroom entrance with her foot against the wall chatting with three other girls. (she is NOT even a student!!) I walk up to her coolly, well has coolly as a Mother can in this situation without causing embarrassment and asked her what she was doing. She calmly states "I'm talking to my friends Mommy." I'm thinking "Friends, in 6 minutes you have decided that they are your friends?" I asked "did you wash your hands yet?" Her answer was no with a tone that she was clearly feeling rushed. I instructed her to finish what she needed to do and come back to the library right away. "OK Mommy!"

More time then should have went by before I hear her flying down the hall. As she screams to a stop at the door of the library she quickly composes herself and comes in. I heard, along with everyone else in the building the sound of her flip flops racing down the corridor. I know she is very well aware of the running rule in school so I asked her, "Mina were you just running down the hall?" With this look of "yikes" on her face she says "No Mommy, it wasn't me it was my flip flops." Did you EVER??

After a long day at the library and running the halls.

Take notice of her volunteer stick!

"Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there."

-John Wooden

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

I'm blank...


Tuesday, September 06, 2005

While you were out

It's happen. The spirit has moved and I'm on a tear. First things first though, coffee and plenty of it. By my second cup my momentum was building, the kids and honey sensed my urgency. Look out I'm going IN......the kid's rooms.

Mina's was first. What happens in these rooms when I'm not looking. I mean I'm in and out of them several times a day everyday but I just don't see it. The STUFF!! It's everywhere. I grab a tall kitchen garbage bag for trash and a larger bag for so called good will things. Shortly after beginning my frenzy I realized that I had the bags backwards. Good will things in the smaller bag and trash in big blue. Mina was in and out but didn't really care what I was doing, UNTIL I took a stuffed animal pillow and set it aside. Knowing that it meant it's stay here was coming to an end she starts to cry....ugh! I assured her that I would not get rid of it and all was well with her.

On to Michaels room. Holy cow the crap that kid had in his room. Now, as I drag these bags down the hall and take a left into his room, he is ALL aware of what I'm doing. "Mommy, what are you doing with this?" "You can't throw this away!" as he digs it out of the bag. I point to the door and shout "Get OUT!" "OOOOOUT!" Against his better judgment he leaves but not for long. By the third time I chased him out honey FINALLY got the hint. Sometimes he just gets it. He rounds up the kids telling them that Mommy has some things to do and off they go. Where I don't know nor did I care.

Now I can really start hurling junk out. I stood in the middle of this room in awe, I just could NOT take in all that was there, it was amazing. With some speed of course, because I don't know how much time I had I begin going through his bins, boxes, toy drawers and under his bed. It hit the bag if I couldn't identify it, if it was broken on any level, missing pieces or just plain old and out grown. I called Salena just to have the joy of a witness even if it was a hearing one. At the moment she answered I picked up a jet-ski. I told her what I was doing and naturally she laughed, she's seen both my kids rooms first hand at their best. I continue to describe this jet-ski. "Listen" I tell her, "it's about 5 inches long, broken handle bars, not one stick left on it (it did have that nice black fuzzy stuff that is left after the sticker is gone) and NO bottom!" No bottom, that means it can't even float anymore. Yet, he had it in a box that he was just carrying around that morning, like it was a prize. I told Salena to listen closely and I tossed it in the bag. The bag was big, blue and FULL! I wiped out the bins and started refilling them with the things that were left. As I'm doing this I came across a rock, yes I did say a rock. I laughed at my sweet little boy and that too went in the bag. I tied a knot and out it went, out of the house never to return again.

Just in time. They came strolling in with happy meals, laughter and lots of questions. Michael runs straight to his room and shouts "Mommy, you did such a great job, everything is right where it belongs." He was amazed. "I can SEE everything, look" The kid was thrilled! If he only knew what truly happen in his room while he was out. He would be mortified to say the least if he knew that jet-ski took it's last ride before he left.

Anthony too was happy to get some of the stuff out of the house, but I wonder if he realizes that I do the same thing to him while he's at work?

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."

- Phyllis Diller

Monday, September 05, 2005

Just Jack? No....

"Just Michael"

"Just Mina"

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.

-Francis Bacon

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Sunday Funnies


* She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
* Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
* Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
* Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
* And her husband is on the back of the milk carton!

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Snoopy says...

Ya gotta love this dog!!!
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
- Anonymous

Friday, September 02, 2005

15 things I would absolutely NEVER do

Yes, I have yet again succumb to the proverbial "list." After reading a fellow bloggers list I was inspired to create my own. I have on several occasions referred to myself as a sheep of the blogging community and it seems that it is so. I grab a pen and my note pad and start jotting. It was more difficult than I anticipated, I guess I'm capable of doing more than I thought. So here goes....

1. Deface a grave

2. Betray a friend

3. Cheat on my husband

4. Wear spandex

5. Hurt my kids (or ANY kid)

6. Become a kamikaze pilot (although with my driving some may wonder. One of the last times my Dad was riding with me he casually turns to me and says "Ah, Miss when will you be passing out the pretzels?"

7. Burn the American flag

8. Worship an idol

9. Tell my husband every single thing I know

10. Become a ballerina (the arts have already thanked me)

11. Pose in a nudy rag (not wearing spandex should have been your first clue)

12. Run a marathon (or anywhere for that matter)

13. Become a Greek Tragedy fan club member

14. Live a life of celibacy (NEVER!!!)

15. Go back to dial up (I love cable)

"What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary."

- Richard Harkness The New York Times 1960

Thursday, September 01, 2005

It's all about the reward!

Typically upon retrieving my two intellects from school I ask how their day was. What they learned, what they did, how was lunch, etc. The answer is always collectively "nothing Mommy, good, I don't remember." I don't push the issue, I know their little brains are fried from the day and far be it for me to burn it further. More often then not there are tid bits that are shared before the end of the afternoon.

Last night at the dinner table I over-heard Michael talking to Mina about attitude, of ALL things. I chime in and asked him "what about attitude?" He proceeds to tell me that "it's very important to have a good attitude." I praised him for paying attention in class and for sharing what he learned. Then I ask him "well Michael, what happens when you have a good attitude?" He answers me very matter of factually, "I get 3 skittles!"

"Life is divided into three terms - that which was, which is, and which will be. Let us learn from the past to profit by the present, and from the present to live better in the future."


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