I don't think I know you well enough

While working on a project at school today, I was assisted by another volunteer mom. I've seen this woman around the school on occasion and have been in her company one other time, briefly. She is really quite nice and I had no problem at all working with her. We made small talk and had easy casual conversation about our kids, the holiday, school, etc. until.....

I made the horrible mistake of asking what her husband did. She tells me but doesn't stop there. She goes on to add...

Her: "Ya know, he drinks too much and really has a smart mouth!"

Me: "Oh."

Her: "Yeah, I even had him arrested but they let him go and he walked home."

Me: "Hmm!"

Her: "He's on the computer forever......And, I've found a ton of porn sites that he's visited. I've even left him once,"

Me: "Wow! Huh?"

Her: "Yeah, and we haven't had sex in thirteen and a half months!"

Me: "What?! Now that's not good!"

Ok, first if you know me at all, I'm never at a loss for words. Actually, I was thinking...."Look lady, you're married to a freak, who has some serious issues. And, it may be very true that you haven't had sex for thirteen and a half months, but you better believe your husband hasn't gone that long. That boy has been steppin' out!!" (I wouldn't go thirteen and a half days......MONTHS would be grounds for divorce!)

But, because I've known this woman for all of 90 minutes, I kept my end of the conversation at a level of a Non-English speaking person.

Now, I'm all in favor of sharing. I myself have a couple of girlfriends that I share extremely personally information with. But, I have a relationship with these women, a level of trust and we share a mutual respect. Perhaps if this over sharing stranger was actually reaching out and needed someone to vent to it would have been different. As it was, it was like she was telling my about a great pair of jeans she just bought on sale at Banana Republic, along with a cute little top. That, I would have much rather heard.

How do I spell relief?!

G.O.O.D.B.Y.E......To my mother-in-law, and H.E.L.L.O........To Honey, with candles and a couple uninterrupted hours in front of the fireplace. *sigh*

Her visits are always very traumatic, but after last night, it's as though she were never here. It must have been those candles. ;)

Sunday Funnies

How to Stay Married

A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?""Oh, that?" she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

You say potato, I say pototo...

I'm at the kitchen table folding clothes, while Michael sits across from me building who knows what with Leg-o's! It was some sort of flying machine, with guns, missiles and anything else that could possibly cause destruction. Apparently, all his creating sapped him of nourishment...

Michael: "Mom, I feel like a like snack."

Me: "You do? What do you feel like Buddy?"

Michael: "I don't know, do we have any of those puddings?"

Me: "Sure!"

And, because they were in a place he was unable to reach, I went and got one. I come back with chocolate......

Michael: "Mom, I'd rather have a vanilla one."

Me: "Oh, Baby I don't have anymore vanilla, but chocolate's not so bad."

He takes it without saying a word. Well, without any words I could understand. I go back to folding my clothes and I hear....

Michael: "Ch, ch-awww-c." (and repeat)

Me: "Michael, what are you saying?"

Michael: "Nothing!" (giggling)

Me: "Don't give me that. What were you just saying?" (laughing)

Michael: "Ch-awwww-colate! That's what I was saying."

At first, it didn't occur to me what he said. Then it hit me!!

Me: "OMGosh, were you making fun of how I say chocolate? Oh man, you were totally making fun of me!!" (laughing hysterically)

Michael: (beside himself, with head on the table, unable to speak laughter) "Oh Mooommyyyy! That is so funny, ch-awwwwww-colate."

Ok, being from NY it's true, that is exactly the way I say chocolate. And yes, I suppose it sounds funny to a little boy who says it like someone who was born and being raise in the South.

Today my son realize that he and his sister sound different than his father and me. What I love about it is, he was actually quick enough to make fun of me over it. That's my boy!!

Sunday Funnies

My Mother - In - LAW is coming for the holiday......ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, with enormous sobs of pain and suffering to follow!! This is going to be the longest week of my life, my God help me. Why is it the long weeks are NEVER the fun ones? CRAP!!!

And YES, it's that bad!! She completely devastates my family. *sigh*

What better reason to be loved!

Standing in the hall among a sea of kids, I'm directing traffic when I see a little third grade girl running towards me. She crashes into me without ever slowing down, throws her arms around my waist, burying her face in my stomach then says..."I love you, I love you, I love!" I give her a big squeeze and told her that I loved her too. Then, she looks up at me and asks, "You know why I love you so much?" A little baffled, I said, "No, why?" After sticking her nose to my shirt and taking a huge whiff she says "Oh, because you always smell SOOO good!!" Of course I laugh, then give her a kiss on the top of her head and send her on to class. A great way to start any day.

Really, is there any better reason to be loved? :):)

Out, out, OUT!!

It doesn't happen often. I mean, it really happens almost never. But, this Saturday morning it did, and it was oh so welcomed! Honey was actually out of the sack before me, on a weekend!! I mean up, dressed, wrangled the kids into the kitchen, fed them, had them get dressed, brush their teeth, everything. Keeping in mind, this was going on at 7:00 "A" "M" I was ridiculously relieved it was him and not me. However....

7:15a - Mina: "Mommy, Dad made waffles and gave me too much. I can't eat all of it."
Me : "That's ok Baby, eat what you can and leave the rest."

7:16a - Michael: "Mommy, I'm not brushing my hair this morning, it's Saturday. I want to just wear a hat."
Me: "Fine!"

7:22a - Michael: "Hey, where is my Hershey sweat shirt?"
Me : " I don't know, did we get it home last night from Zack's?"
Michael : "Oh, no I didn't."
Me: "Well, just wear your football one."

7:30a - Mina: "Mommy, my play shoes have something inside that feels weird on my foot. Can I wear my school ones....I just can't fine anything else."
Me: "OMGOSH!! I don't care if you wear your ballet slippers, get out!"

7: 34a - Michael: "Mommy, can I have a piece of gum?"
Me: "Are you kidding me, where is your Father?"
Michael: "He's in the kitchen."
Me: "For cryin' out loud, ask Daddy would you please!"
Michael: "We never ask Daddy anything though"
Me: giggle "Well, start and stay out!!"

8:00a - Out of bed. Ahhh, a full twenty minutes of peaceful bliss. I take a long hot shower, shave.....In peace. I get my self together and then I hear it. Nothing!! They're gone, all of them, whew! I head down the hall and into the kitchen to where an obvious bomb had dropped an hour earlier.

At that point I didn't care. Daddy had them and they were out. I didn't even call to find out where they were......I was alone and didn't want the moment ruined by hearing, "We'll be there is 5 minutes!"

Sunday Funnies

I think I actually posted this one other time before. Then again, maybe not. Please, who can remember. Either way, after having a great IM conversation yesterday with a blogging friend covering this topic, among many others, I just had to post it! :)

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

13. Potential Murder Suspect

And remember: Money talks .... but Chocolate SINGS!!!

Oh, how I LOVE them!

It's rainy and miserable, but far be it for us to stay in. So, we're off. It's banking, post office and almost against my better judgment (because I have the kids), some returns to deal with, along with using up a gift card. I mean, how bad can it be?

I'm browsing, picking up, holding out, himming and hawing, while believe it or not my two knuckle heads are doing the same thing. "Mommy, what about this?" "Hey, is this ok?" Quite the little shoppers. But poor Michael, clueless. I mean if it doesn't have wheels and a motor he has not idea, still he tried.

I gather up a few articles and head to the fitting room. Yes, we all cram into our little box. I just would never leave them where I couldn't see them. So it begins. On/off, on/off, on/off. Naturally, the kids think it's the funniest thing ever but still they are both being very helpful. Michael holding the clothes I want to try on, Mina holding the ones I want to keep and me, discarding the "Oh my GOSH nos!" As I'm standing there in my skimpwear, I see Michael shake his head. I know exactly what he's thinking and dared not venture on in a conversation. Instead, I forge ahead in my fitting. I slip on a great pair of low-rise, button fly, cargo pants that happen to be my favorite color, Army green. I get them on....Oh, they're feelin' good, I think I have a winner. I put my belt on, to make sure it will fit the loops and turn to look in the mirror. And yes, yes, the first thing I do (like every other woman) is turn and check out the rearview. After all, that is the most important view. I'm turning back and forth and as if he read my mind, my sweet, handsome, big eyed boy says......."Oh Mommy, those pants make your coolie look great! I think you should get them!" While giggling, I put on a nice, fitted, V-neck, three quarter sleeve sweater, that I would say is in the taupe family as far a color. Mina agreed with Michael on the pants and said "Mommy, I don't like the color of that sweater, but I love the way it looks. It makes your stomach look SO flat!!"

So, you see why I just LOVE them. I swear, if I ever need a little pick me up, I'll just bring my kids along while trying on clothes.

Ah Michael, to have learned so young. When he's older and his girlfriend asks "Honey, do these jeans make my butt look fat?" Without hesitation he'll say "No way Baby, your coolie looks great!" He has no idea the lesson he's learned.

Side note: Naturally, Mina didn't like the color of the sweater. That's because it wasn't pink, studded with rhinestones and ladened in sequins.

Jiffy, without the LUBE!

It was time. Three thousand miles, time to have my stick pulled, oil changed and joints greased. Boy, that almost sounds like it could have been fun. Instead, it was a nightmare.

Like the rest of the world (that I know anyway) I whip into Jiffy Lube and ask for the basis change. Not needing anything to fancy and certainly don't want my oil coated little friends, climbing all over the inside of my car to vacuum it. So, it's just a quick change for me. Or so I thought. I hand an oil additive to the service tech and asked him to please put it in along with the oil. I have the kids with me, we're talking and laughing, so I'm not paying all that much attention. It's the normal, "turn you engine on. OK, now turn it off." They do their yelling of "Check, check, check....Blah, blah, blah." I never understand what they are saying and after today I'm convinced they don't either.

I pay. I'm off. The kids requested McDonald's for lunch, so we head in for a couple Happy Meals. Lunch is over, we are now on the way home. Well, by the time we arrive home, my truck sounds like there are loose rocks rattling around in the engine. I get out, pull my dip stick.........It's DRY!! Bone, desert DRY!!! OMGosh! I saw him pour in the additive, but where was the oil? I did say, put this in ALONG WITH the oil, NOT instead of. I calmly call the store, "Hi, I was just there for an oil change, remember, the burgundy suburban......Well, I'm calling because I'd love to know, WHERE IS MY OIL?!" The service tech on the other end, stuttered a bit, then asked me to hold on. When he finally returned to the phone, he went on the explain that he thought there was some sort of miscommunication. I said, " Oh REALLY?!" "You don' t SAY!"

My young Jiffy friend assured me he would have someone right out to deliver oil to me. Well, they finally arrive with what I needed, poured it in and while holding my breath started the engine. It sounded fine. No more rocks, whew.

I thank him, while he continued to apologize.

It was a very frustrating and anxiety filled afternoon. I asked him to please double check next time before he screams "Check!"

Sunday Funnies

Subject: A life lesson

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been>together>for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one thing bothering me...it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight>mini>skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view.

One day "little sister" called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up." I was stunned and frozen in shock, as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door, I opened the door, and headed straight toward my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is . . .

Always keep your condoms in your car!!

He may just leave me

I'm sitting in the living room of a very good friend, with Honey and the kids, eating pizza and sifting through the loot we bagged that evening. I'm mean after all it was our last stop on our trick or treat tour, what better way to end it.

Our hostess had company when we arrived, her name, Christy. I've been in her company before and have spent time chatting, drinking wine and just enjoying myself. Well, the same was true this time. Christy happens to live a not quite so traditional lifestyle and while there her other half Marie calls. Honey, over hears the conversation and believe it or not, it was about hunting and how she just had a 10 point taxidermied. Honey was all ears and actually started a three way conversation....Him in the background talking a blue streak and Christy repeating Maries end of the conversation. It was ugly!

Before long, HE was on the phone with Marie sharing war stories of being in the woods. Honey from the Bronx and Marie from Queens, both avid hunters and I'm sure tall tale tellers.......My goodness, a match made in heaven.

I'm thinkin' I may have a little competition......

Nah, then again maybe not. After all getting tail is a whole lot better than hearing one! :):)