Sleeping Single

It's tragic!! That is all I can say about it. I do recall however, not alway feeling that way. There was a time that I completely enjoyed having the entire bed to myself. In the center with ALL the pillows and as much room as the bed allowed, mine all mine.

Remembering now when I first began sleeping with honey (no details, I must maintain my PG/PG13 rating) my thought was "holy cow, how am I ever going to get any sleep with him in the bed?" It was horrendous! Hot and crowded with tossing and turning, I thought I'd die before seeing the sun again. Needless to say I was exhausted the next day and NOT from anything fun. (this particular time anyway) As I'm driving to work I begin thinking "crap, if this whole thing pans out I'll never get another wink of sleep for the rest of my life." My head spun for the rest of the day with that thought.

Weeks later we discussed that very first "sleep over" night, what a great laugh. It turned out that he was thinking the very same thing. Whew, it wasn't just me. Things got better.

Now fifteen years later, two kids and a couple of dogs I hate being without him. Regardless of the size of the bed (it could be a cot) it's terribly empty without him. Our feet over lapped at the foot of the bed, feeling his leg brush up against mine, having his warmth near me, sharing our covers and just the sound of his breathing as he sleeps. All these things make me shutter at the thought of him not being here.

This morning he left the house at 330a. After seeing him off and checking on the kids I stagger back to bed. On my side and on my pillows just like he was there, but he wasn't. His side was still slightly warm from his sleep but growing colder by the minute. I threw my leg over to soak up the last bit of him being there. Unable to recapture my own slumber I laid there actually recalling the first "sleep over." How did I ever think I would be unable to sleep with him? My thoughts are exactly the opposite now.

Getting up for school and readying the kids with honey already gone was a very empty feeling as well. Not sharing the counter space or the spoon for stirring our coffee, chatting about our plans for the day and everyone getting a big Daddy kiss goodbye was greatly missed. How does that happen and when? It's remarkable how our lives become so entwined that regardless of the task, when done without the company of the one we love most the feeling is the same, vacant!


Marriage is not a ritual or an end.It is a long, intricate, intimate dance together and nothing matters more than your own sense of balance and your choice of partner.

-Amy Bloom